Fit to dream!

I would like to believe with all my heart that the world we live in does not judge one by their physical appearances.. But unfortunately that simply isn't the case.  First impressions, second impressions, third impressions, our eyes judge faster than our hearts. Having been the fat girl for most of my life, I have experienced mixed treatments. My friends who never judged me even though I was fat and the bullies who would never stop teasing me about my weight. Many years ago I had long accepted the fact that I was going to be fat, my mum even told me once that she too had already accepted the fact that her child was going to be a fat child.

Even from primary school, we were essentially taught that being fat was wrong. We had regular weight and height check ups (which I dreaded all the time) and they were usually done in the presence of the other students in the same room. I remember once when this girl literally waited until I did my weigh in, and eavesdropped when the teacher recorded my weight and then announced it to the other classmates. I can still remember that day (and her name) because I was so annoyed, so frustrated and so hurt. 

I remember the time when I was made to do skipping exercises 10mins before recess (which was kinda okay because I got to leave class early for that haha), also the time when I was sent to specialised check ups for overweight kids. I remember always being worried about coming last in every single sporting event and the embarrassment when I did. I remember the teacher lowering the bar for me during my pull ups test just so I can pass my physical examination. I remember never fitting into any of the clothes I wanted to buy and the times when I ended up having to buy maternity clothes. I remember liking guys and knowing that I did not stand a chance with them because I was fat. I remember people always comparing themselves to me.. 'Oh no, Rachel's lost some weight, I better start losing weight too or else I'd be fatter than her' (true story). Life literally revolved around me being fat. I was limited in every single way. And for the people who never said a word about it, I know they have probably at least 'thought' about it. Being fat really was such a pain, a damn obstacle that kept me from doing the things I wanted to do. I didn't understand why couldn't I have just been born skinny, like everyone else. Why did I have to be born the way I did?

probably around 88kg here..

Everything became a little bit better when I lost some weight. I was a happier person in general. I could fit into clothes that I tried and didn't have to worry about a particular design not having my size. I became a much more confident person. Guys started to like me which was strange.. Though I had lost some weight, I was still considered as a bigger girl as compared to other girls. Yes, things got better, but after a while, as time passed, I became depressed about my weight again.

My weight fluctuated a lot ever since. I've rebounded many times. And yes, I am very much an emotional eater, when I'm sad, I'd eat, and after eating I'd feel even worse. And the cycle goes on. I became so obsessed about dieting, I've starved, I've gagged, I've tried all sorts of ridiculous diets and yes I did lose the weight in the end. But thinking back now, it probably wasn't the healthiest way of doing things.

Many years since I stopped taking dieting seriously, today, once again, I am giving my best shot in reaching the weight that I've wanted to be since forever. Instead of telling me 'Rachel, you don't need to lose weight, you're fine', I'd rather you support me in this. 
I am not doing it for you, I am doing it for me, so that I can be happy with myself, my body once and for all.

Recently, I've read many posts and comments about people saying that being 'fat' is okay. Of course it's okay!
As long as YOU are happy with yourself. 

For me, I wasn't happy with myself, and therefore being fat wasn't okay. I'm not saying that being fat is bad, I am only saying that I myself hated being fat and have now decided once and for all to cut the crap and change myself. And I feel great about it. I want all who feel the same to really think about this and to make the decision to change themselves if they feel the same as I do.

One thing straight, do it for yourself and not anyone else.
You are your own motivation.

If you recognise that you have a weight problem, and YOU are happy with yourself, then that's fine. But if even YOU yourself cannot rid the thought of wanting to be skinny, then stop the denial, stop saying it's impossible, stop complaining about how hard it is because mate, life is hard.

Just make the decision, cut the crap and do it!

(by the way, I will post another comparison picture once I've reached my goal weight!)