Fit to dream!

I would like to believe with all my heart that the world we live in does not judge one by their physical appearances.. But unfortunately that simply isn't the case.  First impressions, second impressions, third impressions, our eyes judge faster than our hearts. Having been the fat girl for most of my life, I have experienced mixed treatments. My friends who never judged me even though I was fat and the bullies who would never stop teasing me about my weight. Many years ago I had long accepted the fact that I was going to be fat, my mum even told me once that she too had already accepted the fact that her child was going to be a fat child.

Even from primary school, we were essentially taught that being fat was wrong. We had regular weight and height check ups (which I dreaded all the time) and they were usually done in the presence of the other students in the same room. I remember once when this girl literally waited until I did my weigh in, and eavesdropped when the teacher recorded my weight and then announced it to the other classmates. I can still remember that day (and her name) because I was so annoyed, so frustrated and so hurt. 

I remember the time when I was made to do skipping exercises 10mins before recess (which was kinda okay because I got to leave class early for that haha), also the time when I was sent to specialised check ups for overweight kids. I remember always being worried about coming last in every single sporting event and the embarrassment when I did. I remember the teacher lowering the bar for me during my pull ups test just so I can pass my physical examination. I remember never fitting into any of the clothes I wanted to buy and the times when I ended up having to buy maternity clothes. I remember liking guys and knowing that I did not stand a chance with them because I was fat. I remember people always comparing themselves to me.. 'Oh no, Rachel's lost some weight, I better start losing weight too or else I'd be fatter than her' (true story). Life literally revolved around me being fat. I was limited in every single way. And for the people who never said a word about it, I know they have probably at least 'thought' about it. Being fat really was such a pain, a damn obstacle that kept me from doing the things I wanted to do. I didn't understand why couldn't I have just been born skinny, like everyone else. Why did I have to be born the way I did?

probably around 88kg here..

Everything became a little bit better when I lost some weight. I was a happier person in general. I could fit into clothes that I tried and didn't have to worry about a particular design not having my size. I became a much more confident person. Guys started to like me which was strange.. Though I had lost some weight, I was still considered as a bigger girl as compared to other girls. Yes, things got better, but after a while, as time passed, I became depressed about my weight again.

My weight fluctuated a lot ever since. I've rebounded many times. And yes, I am very much an emotional eater, when I'm sad, I'd eat, and after eating I'd feel even worse. And the cycle goes on. I became so obsessed about dieting, I've starved, I've gagged, I've tried all sorts of ridiculous diets and yes I did lose the weight in the end. But thinking back now, it probably wasn't the healthiest way of doing things.

Many years since I stopped taking dieting seriously, today, once again, I am giving my best shot in reaching the weight that I've wanted to be since forever. Instead of telling me 'Rachel, you don't need to lose weight, you're fine', I'd rather you support me in this. 
I am not doing it for you, I am doing it for me, so that I can be happy with myself, my body once and for all.

Recently, I've read many posts and comments about people saying that being 'fat' is okay. Of course it's okay!
As long as YOU are happy with yourself. 

For me, I wasn't happy with myself, and therefore being fat wasn't okay. I'm not saying that being fat is bad, I am only saying that I myself hated being fat and have now decided once and for all to cut the crap and change myself. And I feel great about it. I want all who feel the same to really think about this and to make the decision to change themselves if they feel the same as I do.

One thing straight, do it for yourself and not anyone else.
You are your own motivation.

If you recognise that you have a weight problem, and YOU are happy with yourself, then that's fine. But if even YOU yourself cannot rid the thought of wanting to be skinny, then stop the denial, stop saying it's impossible, stop complaining about how hard it is because mate, life is hard.

Just make the decision, cut the crap and do it!

(by the way, I will post another comparison picture once I've reached my goal weight!)

Turning into a fitness junkie..

I feel GREAT!

It's been almost 2.5 months since I joined the gym and I'm feeling better with every session. I've joined many gyms in my life with goals of losing weight, but like every other time, I stopped going before my gym membership even expired. This time round, I told myself I would be committed.

The gym I joined was pricey. It's about 8000 yen a month, closes once a week, and isn't even 24 hours like all the other gyms I've ever joined back in Australia. In regardless, I signed up for 6 months. I'm not going to lie.. the first few weeks were hard. I really thought that I would give up again and that my money was going to go to waste. All I could think of when walking on the treadmill was simply how much I hated exercising. But being a super cheapskate, I wouldn't let myself waste the money I spent so I would literally force myself each time to go to the gym. Although I dreaded every session, I told myself to go. I told myself to try attending the classes the gym was running. For me, the gym was the place where I was the ugliest. My hair was gross, my face was gross. I wore the ugliest clothes and shoes that didn't fit. Even though I was not overweight or anything anymore, my self-esteem hasn't really crossed over from when I used to be fat. I still really didn't like myself and for me, the gym was not a place where I looked good. No one is supposed to look good exercising.. especially for a girl like me with wobbly bits all over. eek!

For the first 1.5 months.. being a cheapskate, I attended various classes. My gym offered all sorts of classes like the well known 'Zumba' and all sorts of other cardio and aerobics classes. One type of classes that my gym offers, which is also my favourite, are the classes that are based on this American fitness system called "Best Fitness Systems".

1. Group Step/Blast (classes with step platforms), 
2. Group Power (weights training), 
3. Group Kick (body combat), 
4. Group Active (all-in-one), 
5. Group Centergy (yoga and balance), 
6. and Group Groove (dance-based). 

I remember how much I was struggling in the first few classes.. I was struggling with the Japanese used and I was not used to moving so many limbs at the same time and at such quick pace. I was embarrassed about moving my body and jumping around with all my wobbly bits. I couldn't stand looking myself in the mirrors. BUT, every time after a class, I remember sweating like I never sweated in my life. I never knew my body could even produce this much sweat. I was dripping with sweat throughout the classes, and
I LIKED IT.

Even though I was probably kicking with the worst posture, jumping around in all the wrong directions, I started to have fun. My body started to enjoy it. My mind started to enjoy it too. I realised that exercising didn't have to be lonely. I didn't have to walk on the treadmill by myself, I didn't have to do anything by myself. Working out didn't have to be boring!

Since then, I started going to the gym not because I didn't to waste my money but because I actually wanted to go. I actually wanted to attend those classes! Which was a great change in mind set and I never thought I'd actually start thinking like this.. I thought I'd hate exercising forever..

After awhile, in addition to my exercise routine, I also started to watch my diet. Started off calorie counting which was going great. Later, I was introduced to counting further into my calories, to count my macro nutrients which basically just means that I'm also counting the amount of 'protein', 'fat', and 'carbs' that I'm putting into my body. Sounds like such a pain isn't it? But really it isn't.. after a while you kinda get better at balancing out your macros and it actually starts becoming fun.. It makes me feel good to know what I'm putting into my body. Of course I have slip ups.. I have slip ups all the time.. But I try not to feel too bad about and start a fresh the next day!

And then things got even better, I found an even better motivation to go to the gym and to work hard.. I've got a crush on one of the instructors at the gym ^^

Exercising has never been so FUN! hehe, for various reasons~

rachel